Drabbles and Oneshots by Evan

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Drabbles and Oneshots by Evan

Post by OnlyEvan on Mon Dec 14, 2015 11:56 pm

Featuring RP OCs/characters!

Title: Okay For Now
Warnings: Mentions of medication/depression
Pairing: Hadrian/Gabriel
Word Count: 1,094
Hadrian © OnlyEvan
Gabriel © feelingchimpy



Spoiler:
The skin over his temples had never felt so thin as it did now with the music pouring out of the speakers either side of his bed. Door locked, his skin sticky with unwarranted sweat, even the darkness didn't quell the nausea. Why had he done that? It had been so easy to pretend afterwards, for the trip, but suddenly in his room, knowing that Gabriel was just down the street in his own house, so close but so far and not understanding how much it had meant for Hadrian to do that even if it was brief and without thought...

God, he might say he understood being trans, but he would never understand that even doing that, Hadrian allowing himself such a moment of weakness, was tantamount of throwing out everything that he had worked out. And it had been worse, with his fingers lingering on Gabriel's stomach when rubbing in the sunscreen. Hadrian had never touched another person that way. He had only ever been kissed by one person, and the last time had been up against the side of a barn with hands moving too fast and then him shoving the guy off because it had gone from okay, to hard to breathe and panicking. He had run home then, he had thrown up and sworn that he would never let another person touch him like that again, crying.

'You have beautiful hair, guy or not.'

He batted away that particular intrusive thought.

Kissing Gabriel had been nothing like that. He didn't want to think it was because he had initiated it, and he had been in control, but he also did want that to be it. Because then his feelings wouldn't mean he might have to have been lying to himself about everything. He wouldn't have to break his own promise to himself. He wouldn't do that again, couldn't.

Would it be different though? Gabriel didn't know him any other way, Gabriel didn't care... but Gabriel lived through sound and touch and taste and smell, and it was that one – touch – that Hadrian had so much issue with. Gabriel couldn't look at him and say that he was anything in particular, couldn't see the inconsistencies, the wrongness of Hadrian's very condition. He didn't understand that while Hadrian could pretend he would never be able to change the fact that his very bones were shaped in a way that his brain couldn't connect to. He didn't know if he would ever be able to handle hands touching him more intimately than as friends, even if he wanted more. His brain knew he wanted it, but at the same time his brain panicked when it was brought up, when it was made obvious to him.

Gabriel didn't understand and Hadrian didn't want to put him through that.

And that was just one part of himself that was a mess.

He could never properly capture the desire to not exist in words. He would never be able to explain to Gabriel that being sad would be better than what he knew. He would never explain the irrational anger, or the fact that so rarely was it a lack of desire to do something but a lack of energy, motivation and confidence. He could never explain that his depression meant regretting things he had done and picked for himself simply because his brain got into a track of 'you did this wrong so everything you ever did was wrong'. He would never quite explain that his medication wasn't a 'happy pill' but the pill that made him able to just... do things at all.

His phone rang and he squeezed his eyes for a moment, curling up tighter and then sighing. He knew the ringtone. He had picked it especially for Gabriel.

How could Hadrian explain that his actually happy pill was Gabriel?

His medication got him up, but Gabriel made him smile. His medication made him shower, but Gabriel made him want to look, smell and feel good, for both himself and the boy in question. His medication made him have the energy to do something, but Gabriel gave him a manageable and realistic focus for that energy.

With hands, darker for their camping trip, he picked up the phone and hesitated, before sliding across to accept the call.

“Hey, Gabriel.”

“Huh?”

Hadrian propped himself up despite everything that wanted him to just lie there and fester,  and leaned over to turn the nob on the speakers until they gave no more than a whisper to the air around him.

“Hey.”

“Hadrian... are you okay?”

“Just tired... we did a lot, and it took a lot out of me... I just need some time to recharge.”

“Are you sure?”

Hadrian felt his heart do something strange when Gabriel spoke like that, all soft and concerned and a little confused. He could imagine the unintentional look on the boy's face. He could also imagine the boy's mother looking worried just beyond, in the same room as she almost always was.

“Yeah, I'm sure.”

The silence stretched out for a moment, and it was only really a few seconds. But it lingered, a rubber band being pulled too taut, until it threatened to snap.

“Call me if... you need to talk.”

“Okay... I will.”

“Promise me you're okay?”

This wasn't necessarily like Gabriel and it confused Hadrian because the boy's voice was even softer, fast, fluttery, breathy. It made Hadrian want to know if he was okay, but the words got stuck in his throat. Why wouldn't he be okay? His parents were there, they could manage anything that might go wrong.

“I promise... I'm okay. I'll be okay.”

Gabriel swallowed, audibly and for a second Hadrian heard that little hitch in his breath like he might say something important, and he pressed the phone tighter to his ear, squeezing his eyes and hoping for an outcome that wouldn't make this harder to handle.

He wasn't sure if he got his wish or not.

“Good... be safe.”

The line went dead, and Hadrian turned his phone off. But lying there, he understood that his words were right.
He would be okay, at least for today.

Gabriel might not understand and he didn't know Hadrian's mind and life and problems, but he accepted what he did know and he had enough understanding to know that Hadrian needed to be asked questions sometimes that didn't go deeper than if he was okay.

He would be okay for now.

Gabriel made it okay.

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"IZAIAH NO" - Me
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OnlyEvan

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